How old am I?

I know that gay men lie about who they really are. We primp, moisturize, beat down age at every crows foot or line. And even when online, we are have profiles and avatars that are fit, healthy, workout and with big thick cocks. Being gay means you have to be a mythical godlike creature. But its not true. We (gay men) all liers. 

Do we have clear role models? Or are they all lies. The glossy mags tell me that men are 6 foot when all my anatomy training tells me that they are not over 5'4". And what is wrong with telling the truth. 5'4" is sexy and sometimes adorable. We are men, we shouldn't have the same hangups about height that women do. So what if the man is shorter than yourself. You can still dance well together. Plus, bench pressing a man while you give him a blow job is an amazing turnon for both of you. 

We make ourselves better then we think we need to be. And that is twisted. Why do we need to be better then ourselves? Do we not want to be ourselves? Is it Homophobia? Do we hate being ourselves and being gay? I think sometimes we are and do. 

 Sure my butt could be a little bit perkier and that is only because i haven't worked out in a while. I am focusing on my MFA or whatever excuse i am telling myself.  But still i am not obsessing about it or hiding it with padded pants. I have a hairy back and shoulders. I am not going to wax it or shave it. The one time i did wax was the worst mistake i could make. I naired it once too. It was grosser when it grew back- or rather the process of growing back. it was scary- the backne was horrid. I thought i left that behind me with puberty. 

Yet when in the position that I need to put myself "out there", I tend to do stupid stuff that cause myself to lie about who i am. The idea that I need to improve myself before i present myself to other is messed up. But its not others it my social standards that I set up for myself on what I think other people want me too be. So how did this posting come about? Well, i was looking at porn sites that listed hot older guys. And all these guys that listed at what I thought was my age as younger then my age. 36. And ones that looked old were listed at my age. I did go to my friends 20th high school reunion and all the people there were a few years older than myself, but they all looked so old. So my question is do i look old? I must look really older than I think i look. I have no concept of what i look like. then my whole perception of the world was wrong. I make large drastic jumps. 

I have no idea of what i appear to the rest of the world. I have to take more pictures of myself. So right before i thought i should run down to the skin dr. for botox, restilane, and HGH. I would write about how we all feel shitty about ourselves and hide who we truly are. So here i go to hide myself- from myself- yet again. You might ask why do it? When i am a 175lb 6 foot. 44 inch chest, 31 inch waist, and 17 inch biceps with a cock that's 9" by 6.5 " what else do you do? Keep it and keep people wanting you. Because the second someone doesn't want you you're worthless. 

Being gay is hard work. Sad part is there is an audience out there for whomever you are. Just be the best you you can be and try to be more honest. I earned those crows feet. for ever time i didn't want to wear my glasses (because they are ugly) and rather got through the night squinting.  I have to keep up my appearance. Or at least be able to keep lying about it.

NYC is not as lonely as i make it

So, we are the masters of our destiny. we make ourselves great and an icon. Well, keeping my underware on and my oral skills out of this... thought... I have done myself a great disservice. 

I have been in NYC for two years and I am not further along in my career as I should be. I am an artist, a painter and sculptor. I am 36 years old and I spend too much of my time inside painting or with my dogs watching cartoons. I am fucking up my life. I should be out doing. but some of the times its hard. its very hard. its not just normal kicking about. but its the fact of being a single man doing single things alone. I dont want to get into a relationship just to have someone to do things with. I am whining. I am just a bitch that cant get things handed to him on a platter and so he is whining. 

why is it so hard to get out and put yourself out in this city? what is it that makes it so intimidating to be alone. I am a brave guy but sometimes this city scares me. All of my insecurities just surface. It becomes easier to sit on my couch. I am wondering what type of guy am I. Am I going to be one of those fat slobs that has to be wedged out of his place when he dies? Will everything have to be delivered to me? I mean, i do look at those morbidly obese people and thing "go for it branden. you can do that." It would take the social pressure off you. So is the few extra pounds that i added on a result of me wanting to socially blanket myself from other. Do I not want to be in the company or am i just afraid of what I can offer the city. 

Maybe i am not as great as i would like to be. The Grey Gardens little eddie. where ambition and determination is larger than my talent. but still i feel that any rat hole on tenth avenue i will take.