I have been in NYC for two years and I am not further along in my career as I should be. I am an artist, a painter and sculptor. I am 36 years old and I spend too much of my time inside painting or with my dogs watching cartoons. I am fucking up my life. I should be out doing. but some of the times its hard. its very hard. its not just normal kicking about. but its the fact of being a single man doing single things alone. I dont want to get into a relationship just to have someone to do things with. I am whining. I am just a bitch that cant get things handed to him on a platter and so he is whining.
why is it so hard to get out and put yourself out in this city? what is it that makes it so intimidating to be alone. I am a brave guy but sometimes this city scares me. All of my insecurities just surface. It becomes easier to sit on my couch. I am wondering what type of guy am I. Am I going to be one of those fat slobs that has to be wedged out of his place when he dies? Will everything have to be delivered to me? I mean, i do look at those morbidly obese people and thing "go for it branden. you can do that." It would take the social pressure off you. So is the few extra pounds that i added on a result of me wanting to socially blanket myself from other. Do I not want to be in the company or am i just afraid of what I can offer the city.
Maybe i am not as great as i would like to be. The Grey Gardens little eddie. where ambition and determination is larger than my talent. but still i feel that any rat hole on tenth avenue i will take.
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