Ryan Adams song "Note to self: Don't Die" has some wonderful lyrics to live by. What resonates with me is "Don't change for anyone. just lie."
Is that my 'great expectation'? Is what I give the people in my life a feeling of something great when there is really no substance at all? I feel that statement is true. This is a weird topic without being very egocentric. Its not that I feel that I am better. its just that my purpose in life has been to resolve conflict and comfort. I am a joy. A shoulder, calming voice, a distraction, a thrill seeker, a clown, a comedian, an entertainer, a politician, a lover, a toy. And what do i want in return? comfort stability and little mess. which is sad. I am a vile person. a sycophant to myself. So the effort to be my friend will not come from me, it will be your effort. its sad, but true.
I showed my therapist a painting of me and my mother. She said that i don't get my comfort from that women, i get it from items i surround myself with. I don't get it from her i get it from things. which translates to intimacy. which reasons why i am doing a huge art project on intimacy. i simply don't understand. Art advice: create what you fear and it will have emotion.
Woody Allen gave the name to my painting, by one of his quotes. He stated on the matter of problems in our lives. "if its not one thing, its your mother." oh happy mothers day. I love you mom
No, I mean it. (don't change just lie.)
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I think all of us lie to make others feel better at times. If it becomes too much of a habit in a particular relationship though, where you're finding that, you are constantly insincere about everything,then it is better to let the relationship go. Someone will just end up getting hurt even though, in the beginning you were trying to help. I think you're not being egocentric when you're being honest especially with friendships. If you carry on false friendships/relationships you may be making someone else feel better but you're lying and cheating yourself. You are putting time/energy into something that you're not sincere about where you could put that energy into something that has substance. Make sense? Tzu Ssu said:
ReplyDeleteSincerity is the fulfillment of our own nature, and to arrive at it we need only follow our own true Self. Sincerity is the beginning and end of existence; without it, nothing can endure. Therefore the mature person values sincerity above all things."
I remember this because it was very profound to me. Being honest. It's a grown-up thing. I know I had to learn it. I think you putting it out there that it is hard for you to maintain "real" friendships is very honest/brave and I believe very true about you. I don't have a problem with it. In the end don't we want people to love us for who we REALLY are??