here is a drawing that will go into a show. yeah the naked male.
the male butt is so powerful at times. but exposed it drives most men into fear or threat.

Herman Melville and his lover.

Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad. I didn't create a twisted way of looking at things I just am inspired by others.

read the lyrics of the Jazz Butchers or Throbbing Grisle. The song weeping is what Ian Curtis would call up friends and sing.

Ten points for anyone who can tell me who Caroline Wheeler is.

Ten points for anyone who can tell me the last line from the movie that Ian Curtis watched before he got the rope.

Ten points and a kiss for anyone who can tell me the last singer Ian Curtis listen too, and what that singers special connection to me.

Where does Joy Division get its name? and name covers that New Order did?

xmas is coming. i am not ready. but its not like it snuck up on me. I knew it was coming. 9 days and i am not ready. but oh well. I will make the best of it. i have a did get some forced cherry blossom branches, gold leafed them and called it my christmas branch.
Bill and I had these great christmas cow. little italian terracotta figures that were so cute. I wish i had them. I wish i had christmas again in that home. I think i want a mix of 1870 and 1940. so i think. when i get a house of my own. I will decorate it as such. and i will find the christmas cow or cocks or Hey wait, christmas cocks would be great.
i am going to find them. "did you put out the christmas cocks?" Oh look at the christmas cock in the manger. i am goin to get them.

this is my self-portrait with my mother. Its 7 feet tall by 5 feet. nice size. close up of face.

I am watching Julia and Julie, its wonderful. its so cute. If you don't dry meat it wont brown properly. makes me think maybe someone will read my blog. I don't know why I keep doing art. Its the passion. I do art because of the passion.
also about me, I have depression. It goes in cycles. Somedays its hard to get out of bed. But I still have to do art. I will lay in bed and create art. fold books. or just sit there and draw or lay there. get up with my dogs walk them. NYC is a lonely place. its a very lonely place. you need too have lots of friends. which i have to develop and keep.

So i write this blog. So is this here for me. I dont think anyone is reading it. I am doing this for myself. I create art because its my passion. doesnt matter if no one wants to see my art, buy my art, (and the final insult) discuss it.
I just make it. I have to learn that I need to give myself approval. I dont need anything else. hard lesson. stop looking it in other people and never going to get it from parents. so go ahead and look to yourself.

new paintings male nude strangers

these are new paintings. I got all the models on craigslist. they posed for me as strangers. Its a study of trust and intimacy. I was clear in my ad that it wasnt looking for sex- that i was serious looking for men to come over as strangers and meet me as such and pose naked.

drawings I did at the beach this summer. i went to a few nude beaches in the area. will continue to post art up here.

and i should add as my friend rob pointed out 9x6.

So I left this a while. I am going to start posting all my art here.

look for my art.

to put it out in the universe. 28 million, CUNY, Artist, and Multifamily house.

Great Expectations happen to me!

Ryan Adams song "Note to self: Don't Die" has some wonderful lyrics to live by. What resonates with me is "Don't change for anyone. just lie."
Is that my 'great expectation'? Is what I give the people in my life a feeling of something great when there is really no substance at all? I feel that statement is true. This is a weird topic without being very egocentric. Its not that I feel that I am better. its just that my purpose in life has been to resolve conflict and comfort. I am a joy. A shoulder, calming voice, a distraction, a thrill seeker, a clown, a comedian, an entertainer, a politician, a lover, a toy. And what do i want in return? comfort stability and little mess. which is sad. I am a vile person. a sycophant to myself. So the effort to be my friend will not come from me, it will be your effort. its sad, but true.

I showed my therapist a painting of me and my mother. She said that i don't get my comfort from that women, i get it from items i surround myself with. I don't get it from her i get it from things. which translates to intimacy. which reasons why i am doing a huge art project on intimacy. i simply don't understand. Art advice: create what you fear and it will have emotion.
Woody Allen gave the name to my painting, by one of his quotes. He stated on the matter of problems in our lives. "if its not one thing, its your mother." oh happy mothers day. I love you mom
No, I mean it. (don't change just lie.)

Notecard of life...for parents

There is a growing plague among the minds of parents- the endless picture taking of your children. Its annoying. Cut that shit out. If you do insist on taking all those pictures, my best creative and style advice- hire a photo editor. Your child needs 5 good photos of themselves- at any given age. Anything over that is an ego trip and clearly very self indulgent.
I would love to list the reason why one should use restraint.
1. 5 good photos can say more about you and your kid than all the flipping pictures you take of them. If edited well, those limited photos will serve every purpose. Cover of holiday cards, keepsake, identification for police, and determining of future potential apprehension of realistic expectations.
its annoying to be constantly assaulted by the 'new' photos of your children that are posted on every single social networking website. Everyday I am hit with new updated photos of children doing absolutely nothing. Frankly it only shows me a measure of your life. That you have put aside your dreams an ambitions as a person and dedicated your life to documenting the every action and insignificant life of your child.

2. Children are not a stand in for actual active in ones life. Stop taking the pictures and the videos. You are the only one that truly thinks they are adorable. They are not. If anyone else thinks your kids are amazing and adorable- then that person is creepy. (grandparents are the exception) I will never befriend any person (whom I know very well or very little) if their child's photo is a stand in for their own profile picture. Don't pimp your child to hide yourself behind. Its an ego trip and you know it. stop it. Put your face out there. Dateline to catch a predator should be knocking at your door. It wrong behavior. And you are putting your child out there in society which makes them more vulnerable to harm.

3. Children love limits and respect rules. Every child psychologist will tell you to set up rules and live by them. Its the only healthy way to raise your child.

4. I don't and will never like your child as much as you do. I simply do not need to see your child that much. If you're going to take the pictures, then fine, keep them private. I don't need to see them. 5 pictures is all i need to see of your child.

5. your child is not going to want all those pictures when they grow up. One fails when one is learning. You remember those failures and grow from them. Those memorises what change a person. You do not need a visual proof of your failures, no matter how gallant the effort and try.
The memory of the event is enough to model the person. Don't document it. Your child will resent you for it.

Do the world a favor retrain yourself or edit yourself. Its my best advice and a note card to live by.

How old am I?

I know that gay men lie about who they really are. We primp, moisturize, beat down age at every crows foot or line. And even when online, we are have profiles and avatars that are fit, healthy, workout and with big thick cocks. Being gay means you have to be a mythical godlike creature. But its not true. We (gay men) all liers. 

Do we have clear role models? Or are they all lies. The glossy mags tell me that men are 6 foot when all my anatomy training tells me that they are not over 5'4". And what is wrong with telling the truth. 5'4" is sexy and sometimes adorable. We are men, we shouldn't have the same hangups about height that women do. So what if the man is shorter than yourself. You can still dance well together. Plus, bench pressing a man while you give him a blow job is an amazing turnon for both of you. 

We make ourselves better then we think we need to be. And that is twisted. Why do we need to be better then ourselves? Do we not want to be ourselves? Is it Homophobia? Do we hate being ourselves and being gay? I think sometimes we are and do. 

 Sure my butt could be a little bit perkier and that is only because i haven't worked out in a while. I am focusing on my MFA or whatever excuse i am telling myself.  But still i am not obsessing about it or hiding it with padded pants. I have a hairy back and shoulders. I am not going to wax it or shave it. The one time i did wax was the worst mistake i could make. I naired it once too. It was grosser when it grew back- or rather the process of growing back. it was scary- the backne was horrid. I thought i left that behind me with puberty. 

Yet when in the position that I need to put myself "out there", I tend to do stupid stuff that cause myself to lie about who i am. The idea that I need to improve myself before i present myself to other is messed up. But its not others it my social standards that I set up for myself on what I think other people want me too be. So how did this posting come about? Well, i was looking at porn sites that listed hot older guys. And all these guys that listed at what I thought was my age as younger then my age. 36. And ones that looked old were listed at my age. I did go to my friends 20th high school reunion and all the people there were a few years older than myself, but they all looked so old. So my question is do i look old? I must look really older than I think i look. I have no concept of what i look like. then my whole perception of the world was wrong. I make large drastic jumps. 

I have no idea of what i appear to the rest of the world. I have to take more pictures of myself. So right before i thought i should run down to the skin dr. for botox, restilane, and HGH. I would write about how we all feel shitty about ourselves and hide who we truly are. So here i go to hide myself- from myself- yet again. You might ask why do it? When i am a 175lb 6 foot. 44 inch chest, 31 inch waist, and 17 inch biceps with a cock that's 9" by 6.5 " what else do you do? Keep it and keep people wanting you. Because the second someone doesn't want you you're worthless. 

Being gay is hard work. Sad part is there is an audience out there for whomever you are. Just be the best you you can be and try to be more honest. I earned those crows feet. for ever time i didn't want to wear my glasses (because they are ugly) and rather got through the night squinting.  I have to keep up my appearance. Or at least be able to keep lying about it.

NYC is not as lonely as i make it

So, we are the masters of our destiny. we make ourselves great and an icon. Well, keeping my underware on and my oral skills out of this... thought... I have done myself a great disservice. 

I have been in NYC for two years and I am not further along in my career as I should be. I am an artist, a painter and sculptor. I am 36 years old and I spend too much of my time inside painting or with my dogs watching cartoons. I am fucking up my life. I should be out doing. but some of the times its hard. its very hard. its not just normal kicking about. but its the fact of being a single man doing single things alone. I dont want to get into a relationship just to have someone to do things with. I am whining. I am just a bitch that cant get things handed to him on a platter and so he is whining. 

why is it so hard to get out and put yourself out in this city? what is it that makes it so intimidating to be alone. I am a brave guy but sometimes this city scares me. All of my insecurities just surface. It becomes easier to sit on my couch. I am wondering what type of guy am I. Am I going to be one of those fat slobs that has to be wedged out of his place when he dies? Will everything have to be delivered to me? I mean, i do look at those morbidly obese people and thing "go for it branden. you can do that." It would take the social pressure off you. So is the few extra pounds that i added on a result of me wanting to socially blanket myself from other. Do I not want to be in the company or am i just afraid of what I can offer the city. 

Maybe i am not as great as i would like to be. The Grey Gardens little eddie. where ambition and determination is larger than my talent. but still i feel that any rat hole on tenth avenue i will take.